Superman Versus Jesus

I've Recently Been Released From Prison

2010-05-15T00:43:00.007-05:00

It turns out it is against the law to attempt to distribute cocaine. Who knew? I sure didn't. Anyway, I've had a lot of fun in prison in the past year. Some of the fun things include: being sold into sex slavery, chain smoking, writing an appeal, killing a man, and developing my own line of shanks. Oh, the memories. Just remember when you're considering a shank, make sure it's a Scroggin's shank!

Its good to be back!

Wow, what a wonderful online romance!

2009-02-18T16:55:00.009-06:00

Boy am I lucky. It's like something just wants me to be happy. I just met this special lady through Craigslist, I've known her for a week, and she hasn't even murdered me yet.

We look lovingly into each others eyes and say, "Wow! I thought you would have killed me by now." And then we laugh and laugh.

Sure, there are stories of online romances going sour due to the insanity of one of the parties, but I don't think that's gonna happen to us!

I guess she did say she would like to beat men to death with silverware and has been charged with attempted murder three times....

Anyway, the only things I would change about her are her facial tattoos, incessant body odor, and refusal to brush her teeth. Maybe I'm judging her too harshly. Heck, eventually I may agree with her that the Jewish people "had it comin'."

Don't you get me down! I'm lost in love land, and I ain't coming out until 'til death do us part.

I Guess There Was a Pretty Big Event Today

2009-01-20T19:17:00.006-06:00

Because of the big event I was nervous last night and couldn't sleep. I woke up early, at the crack of 11:30 a.m. This was it. This is what I have been waiting so long for. Being a white male, this day was of special significance to me. This was the day I was finally going to do it. I was finally going to have sex with a black prostitute.

For years I have been saying, "Daniel Scroggins, you can do it. In God's eyes, all prostitutes are created equal." From this day forward, I will no longer judge a prostitute by the color of her skin, but rather by how much she charges and whether or not she looks like she is particularly gross.

Yes sir, this is the day I turn over a new leaf. A leaf that, when turned over, somehow attributes color blindness to me when I judge the merit of a hooker. I feel now, that there is no way I can become a better human being. I can say this with confidence. Wow, look at me. Socially harmonious, in touch with the people, and not a complete idiot.

Here I come you black lady of the evening. Here I come.

The Traditional Shoe Toss

2008-12-17T19:14:00.009-06:00

It is amazing just how different two cultures are. For instance, just the other day I learned that in Muslim culture throwing a shoe at someone is considered an insult. Boy I am glad I learned that; I was going to take countless shoes with me on my Iraqi vacation for use in greetings. I thought when you met a Muslim it was traditional to bean them in the face with a shoe, but I guess I was wrong. There would have been egg all over my face.

Naturally I was curious to find out what else is considered an insult in Muslim culture. Surprisingly, the list includes: punching someone in the face, spitting on people, having sex with some else’s wife, murdering people, savage beatings, groping, raping, crotch kicking, and unwanted gay sex. Wow. Cultures sure are different.

Why here in the good old USA throwing a shoe at someone is a compliment. You say, “Hey there Sam, nice job on my hair!” And throw a shoe at his face.

You know I hope I’m wrong, but I’m just not sure a culture who doesn’t utilize complimentary shoe throwing can really thrive as a democracy. After all, every session of congress begins with the traditional shoe hurl at the majority leader.

I try to be understanding of other cultures, but sometimes it just becomes obvious that we are too different to ever get along. Muslim culture, I’m talking to you. When will you live like the rest of us and allow throwing a shoe at someone’s face to be a compliment?

Good Day.

My Sweet, Sweet Hummer

2008-12-07T15:44:00.012-06:00

Holding onto my hummer during the oil crisis is the best decision I have ever made.

I remember the year of that fateful crisis like it was yesterday. Taft had just won the presidential election. The senate was under the firm hand of the Whig party. Gas prices were hovering around $4.00 / gallon. Sadly, it was the worst time of my life. I was losing my home, my family and even my Hummer. But I was willing to lose everything to hold onto my Hummer.

My daily commute to work was three hundred miles. Because the commute was so long the Hummer would get awful dirty. I must have been stopping to wash it six, seven times a day. Unfortunately I was too lazy to look for other closer jobs and my family had to eat. I would spend three thousand dollars on gas every week. After thirteen or fourteen weeks I suspected my job as a Wal-mart greeter was not equaling the cost of gas.

I had to do something. For one terrible moment I thought that, perhaps I don't need a Hummer? I even considered selling it for a Ford F-150 extended cab. I will never forgive myself for those words. When I start to think back upon those times, I feel like I am living it again, and I get sick. Me, driving an F-150? I guess I must've wanted people to think I was gay--because that is what they would've thought. People would shout, "There goes Daniel Scroggins--look at him and his F-150. His vehicle is so small. He must like to have sex with other men."

Thankfully, on one fateful day I was driving my hummer on the way to work, tailgating several feet from the cars in front of me. Right after I got done laying on the horn my right rear tire blew out and the hummer flipped end over end. Several months later I won a two million dollar lawsuit against General Motors. I just thank God that he answered my prayers. I knew he wanted me to keep my hummer.

So here I am today. I'm still working at Wal-mart, I still have my hummer and I guess my family is fed. It all worked out. I must be the luckiest man alive.

I would like to sell my baby, would you like to buy it?

2008-12-01T18:22:00.008-06:00

As many of you may know, the economy has soured. As a result, I, like many Americans, has suffered the humiliation of being laid off. It takes all my strength keeping sane knowing I am less adequate than my colleagues. The only thing stopping me from blowing my head off is my many, many addictions.

Oh, and my kid.

Yes sir, just yesterday I was a gangfully employed at Funcoland. It turns out Funcoland had actually gone out of business twelve years earlier and I had been recieving checks because of a court error; but the sting is the same! Damn you economy! Damn you Funcoland! I gave you everything I had! I'm nothing now but a dried out husk of a human being.

But there is a silver lining in all of this. In my diligent research on Wikipedia, I've learned that babys on the open market may bring in upwards of six hundred dollars. I've hit the jackpot! What I couldn't do with that kind of cash. Oh, the champagne and cocaine parties I will have.

Sure I may miss my child. Although it will be easier as I actually never named the baby. Frankly I don't even know if its mine. Come to think of it, I may have just found it on the street. You know... I'm not really sure. Oh well, it doesn't matter now that I have my sweet $600+ goldmine.

We Can Change the World For the Better

2008-12-01T12:40:00.006-06:00

I like to make a difference. Its a good feeling waking up in the morning knowing I have changed hundreds of thousands of lives--for the better.

You might be wondering, how am I making such a difference?

The answer is simple. Every morning I wake up, brush my teeth, gather my things, plan out my day, look into the mirror to tell myself how great I am and proceed to sell narcotics to the youth of America.

The fact is, if I wasn't selling drugs to children--they couldn't get any. Scary I know. Imagine a world where children, some as young as five, aren't able to acquire the illegal drugs they need to trudge through another day. Wow. I can't. I literally can't picture such a nightmare.

And wouldn't you know it, sometimes I'm brutally beaten and arrested. Police call me names like, "scumbag" or "sicko." You know that hurts policemen. That really hurts--even more than the numerous punches to the groin and face. Though my balls may be bruised, they will never be as bruised as my soul. Why just the other day I sold drugs to a policeman's child. And does he thank me? No. Instead he beats me with his baton--in an area which can only be described as my face--for over forty minutes. Let me tell you, that smarts.

Of course I was back at it. Selling drugs to all the policemen's children. Why? Because its the right thing to do.

Hopefully I'll see you out here tomorrow--doing the world a favor. Just don't do it in my territory--because I'll kill you. And that's a fact.

I Strongly Discourage Fun and Enjoyment

2008-11-25T20:51:00.007-06:00

So help me God, if you even think about having fun I will be there, watching, waiting. My face will redden, my eyes will fill with disapproval and my a--- will start a'quivering.

I am not ashamed to say that I yell at small children swinging on swing sets. Running towards them, my face full of rage and resentment. Screaming at the top of my lungs, waiving my arms about my head, shouting undecipherable gibberish. The world I think, needs people like me.

People who won't hesitate to tell two 'love birds' to quit it. To let them know the world doesn't want to see them 'hold hands.'

People who won't hesistate to berate a McDonald's worker because they served it with a 'smile.' Look, I want my damn burger smile free, OK? No I will NOT have a nice day.

Sure, I'm maced regularly and told that I need 'help.' We all need help. Especially help understanding the idea of,"Get off my lawn you damn kid! Jesus I've told you punks a thousand times. I'm calling the cops. You losers won't be smiling from the inside of a prison sell. Take your bicycle riding, lemonade stand peddling somewhere else."

Lazy Polar Bear

2008-11-25T18:50:00.004-06:00

Its no wonder the polar bears going extinct. Look how lazy they are.

"But I don't want to fish. Its boring."

Oh.... really? You know what's boring polar bear? Your face. You sicken me. Look at you.... just one more polar bear living off government cheese.

Is this where my tax dollars are going? On the cheese, they have no insentive to fish, to work, or hold down a steady 9-5 job. Its really, really sad. Polar bear. Yeah, you. You are really sad.

Back in my day we learned how to work. We lifted steel drums and carried them back and forth. We bent large pipes over our necks. We threw large cylindrical objects twenty, thirty even forty feet into the air. What did we accomplish? We proved we were strong, perhaps even strong men. We learned the importance of fighting for ourselves at the expense of others. We learned it. Polar bear.

Good Day.

Financial Crisis

2008-11-24T18:31:00.010-06:00

I had it all. Fast cars, easy money.... fast cars... again.

This is not the America I know. A man isn't suppose to lose everything simply because he, "starting using cocaine 6 times a day" or "fires weapons randomly into staff meetings at work."

I remember the high times well...

...sitting on a fountain of cash known as $35,000 / year. Being able to walk up to any banker and say,"Sir, I would like to purchase a million dollar house."

And the banker asking how much money I make.

And me saying, "I'll bury you! That's how much money I make. I will put you in the ground! Do you know who I am? I am Daniel Scroggins! That's right! The Daniel Scroggins! I'm in charge of six people! You will regret this day!"...

...After serving the first 5 years of my sentence peacefully, I resumed my job at the bank. The end.

Why Don't We All Dress the Same?

2008-11-24T18:17:00.005-06:00

I think its about time we stopped giving everyone the free choice to wear whatever they want.

What makes a country strong? Uniformity. Look at these two--they sure cast an imposing picture.

Now imagine wall upon wall of people in these clothes everywhere you turn. In every bookstore, brewery, Wal-Mart, video rental store, tavern and even clothing store. Everyone would have so much in common. I feel quite certain it would end awkward silences once and for all.

"Hey--that's what I'm wearing."

"Me too!"

"I love the stripes."

"Me too!"

It could go on for hours.

Perhaps someday humans will be so enlightened that we start wearing all the same clothes all the time in every social setting. Until them, I shed a tear for 'humanity.'

Bored Umpire

2008-11-23T19:11:00.008-06:00

The umpire looks really bored--

"Wooooooh, I'm soooooo exited... Oh look at me, I wear a helmet, I can jump, I make millions of dollars and don't rape children. We're all very impressed. Well you know something... I have a pretty sweet shirt. So... that's something to think about."

Outrage

2008-11-23T16:40:00.006-06:00

Sometimes teachers have sex with students. And sometimes those teachers are women. However, they don't always show the teacher's picture.

But you see they must always show their picture, because without a picture it is impossible to determine the appropriate level of outrage.

I will demonstrate:

Appropriate Outrage level: How could this happen to our children!? We need more government oversight! This woman is sick and should never teach again! Give her 15 years! This is an outrage!

or:

Appropriate outrage level: Nice.

Petition your government to ensure when a woman teacher has sex with a student her picture is posted. Please, think of the children.

Terrorist

2008-11-23T16:16:00.002-06:00

Its intersting politicians revert back to friendly the instant a campaign is over.

"Hey, Barack--its John McCain. Hey, I have a question for you. Do you remember when I told everyone you were best friends with a terrorist which sort of implied that you were a terrorist? You do? Well I just wanted to say... just kidding buddy. Boy I had you going! Whew--you thought I meant it didn't you? Hey your cabiniet full yet? It is? I should drop dead? You know now that you mention it, I didn't know that I had something wrong with my face. Thank you. Anyway... got you good buddy! I'll talk to ya later."

Tight Pant Syndrome

2008-11-19T10:47:00.003-06:00

I know several people who recently have been diagnosed with tight pant syndrome. We must all wish them well as they battle this terrible disease.

What are we going to do when these individuals need tighter pants and we can't give it to them because we've already pushed pant tightness beyond the limits of science?

Please petition your government for more funding to combat this epidemic. Sure, it is easy to dismiss saying, "It won't happen to me." But like wildfires destroy housing, it will have destroyed your taste in clothing before you can blink.

Human Imagination

2008-11-12T19:15:00.006-06:00

As I look up into the sky at night, I am amazed by human achievement. Men and women, just like me, who ventured into a violent, inhospitial, harsh, and lifeless environment for weeks, months or years at a time only to return to the planet unscathed. I ponder and am speechless as a tear slowly rolls down my face.

Of course other times I walk into a public bathroom and see poop in the sink. Sure I hope its dog poop, but in my heart, I know, some dude squatted and laid one right in the sink.

On one hand: thought provoking, magnificant spaceships. On the other: poop in a sink. And then the tear rolling down my face is one of sadness for humanity.

Halloween

2008-10-31T12:10:00.013-05:00

As we all know, halloween is the most sacred of all holidays. What with everyone sitting around the campfire praising Satan and his many minions with animal sacrifices and praying for his eventual rise and destruction of Earth. Oh the wonderful, wonderful memories.

Some crazy conservates (and liberals) think that girls dress too, "scant" on this wonderful and sacred day. Too scant--lets ask our referee:

And the ruling is: not scant enough! And there you have it conservatives! In your face! Well I'm off to leer at the (properly) scantily clad halloween ladies.

Partisan Party

2008-10-31T11:50:00.004-05:00

There are certain people who so strongly attached to a particular political party that every word uttered from any politicain's mouth, who is attached to the aforementioned political party, is gold.

I am quite convinced that if John McCain, instead of crafting speeches, simply farted for several hours into the microphone at every campaign stop he would still obtain at least 25% of the popular vote.

Barack Obama could claim he wants to, "Kill whitey." And that he will, "Rape all them white bitches" and it wouldn't matter to some people.

You know... now that I think about it... I would be more prone to vote for a man who's platform is based entirely on flatulence or "killing whitey." But that is just me.

Eddie Murphy's Love's Alright II

2008-10-28T13:50:00.006-05:00

Before Eddie Murphy put out his groundbreaking cd, "Love's Alright." I didn't know what adjective to attach to love.

Is love merely, "Ok?" Is love, "wonderful?" I, nor anyone else in America, had any idea. It is a relief to finally understand that love isn't great, bad, super, but... 'alright.' Love is a B-. If love were a movie, you would recommend to your friends to 'rent it' and not buy.

Sound advice Eddie Murphy. Sound advice.

Eddie Murphy's Love's Alright

2008-10-27T20:10:00.008-05:00

Eddie Murphy may not be known as a musician but do yourself a favor and purchase Eddie Murphy's new cd, "Love's Alright." It will change your life.

Very rarely does a talented lyricist, such as Eddie Murphy, grace our lives. Eddie Murphy captures the highs, lows, dusty roads and curveballs of life in one huge artistic punch to the heart-strings.

I have never understood love until now. Thank you Eddie Murphy for your, "Love's Alright." You are a great, talented man and you will change the world.

Android Never Forget

2008-10-22T10:33:00.007-05:00

Being a robot is probably pretty sweet. However, being an android must be even sweeter. That is why I dream of becoming Data, the lovable android from Star Trek.

You see, Data is pretty much a pimp machine. Every single lady he meets has a hankering for the cold steel love-programmed-bot that is Data. How could anyone resist?

First of all, fantastic skin--supple as a baby's ass. How supple is a baby's ass? Adopt several children and find out. Don't worry, you don't have to actually love them--just feel their asses. Trust me, it will be totally fine with the adoption agency.

Second--data has a body that just doesn't quit (literally). Sure for an android he may seem unshapely--but for a thirty something actor--he is in fantastic shape. Data is a clever robot and has somehow figured out how to slowly add weight to his frame over the years--incredible.

Ah yes, the dream of becoming Data.

Chicken Cadaver

2008-10-21T12:48:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I prepared a chicken. This chicken was pre-cooked. It tasted like a cadaver.

You see, I am learn-ed of the human body. This entails occasionally being around cadavers. Cadavers have a very distinctive smell. In fact, if you are around cadavers long enough you aquire the feeling that you are able to actually taste them.

It is not a good memory link to remember the smell of cadaver and then eat a piece of chicken with the same smell. It sort of makes one feel like they are eating a dead human cadaver. Which, to some, could be a problem.

Overall I give the chicken a B-... too much cadaver taste but just the right amount of sodium. Would purchase again!

Information on Hats

2008-10-17T19:43:00.003-05:00

This is me ranting in high school:

Anyway, I haven't ever worn very many hats. The best hat I have ever worn was a Colorado Rockies hat. It fit nicely, although, it was retarded because you couldn't see the 'C.' Everyone was always asking, "What the hell does 'R' mean?" It was a crazy time.

Wait... the best hat I ever had was a Nike hat. The one fit the best of all. But it does not matter now. There all gone... every last one of them. The longest I have ever had a hat was probably two months. then they turn up like three years later all smashed from being under the couch.

Wonderful.

A Wise Old Sage...

2008-10-01T18:05:00.002-05:00

...once told me, "Cody, if you ever meet a woman who has her own kids, whatever you do, for the love of god, sign nothing. You don't want to be responsible for that crap."

This deal has wrangled many a sailor into heaps of trouble they did not intend. I am referring to: child support. I shall tell you now, the lady mustn't be worth it.

Of course you probably won't listen, so just make sure its a child prodigy that will give you money on its ascent and subsequent crash.

Fatty Fatty Boombalatty Wife

2008-09-29T11:50:00.007-05:00

Would it be a bad idea to give a girlfriend or wife a Jenny Craig diet book for their birthday?

"Honey, I just love you so much and wouldn't know what to do if you were gone. Plus you are beautiful... albeit mostly on the inside. I just worry--about your health--please diet for me. Anyway, I assume you have a lot of things planned for your birthday so I'll get out of your hair. If you need me I'll be at the strip club--have a good one honey."

Creativity

2008-09-18T20:47:00.003-05:00

I feel pretty good. My "friends" tell me I am very creative, have good taste in music and am a fantastic singer. The downside is they feel I am "not the best to hang out with for a day."

Yes... this seems like it be a problem. A problem? Maybe... if I wasn't such a good singer! Boo-yah!

Poem

2008-09-17T20:18:00.009-05:00

I have a poem I would like to share. It was written by Abraham Lincoln. In my life, it has been very important to me. Sometimes, it has been my only friend.

So without further ado:

It doesn't matter what comes
Fresh goes better in life
And Mentos, is fresh and full of life
Nothing gets to you
Staying fresh, staying cool
With Mentos fresh and full of life
Fresh goes better
With Mentos freshness
Fresh goes better
With Mentos, fresh and full of life
Mentos, the freshmaker
-Abraham Lincoln 1863

Dollar Menu

2008-09-17T20:18:00.008-05:00

I am a student. I have no money. I had no idea the dollar menu was so important until I started living in a city without a dollar menu. Sure, there are plenty of "upscale" restaurants and bars. Places where I would pay $6 for a meal... no thanks.

I want my dollar of food. Sure it may stop my heart, give me acne and lower my self esteem but it is cheap dammit! And now it is gone, like the friend who dies horribly in an auto accident. Yes... it is that important to me.

In the end, we may never know the turns life has in store for us, but someday we may understand them. Is there a life lesson I am to learn here? Is the dollar menu my white whale? Will molestaches ever come into style? We may never know. Journey on friends.

Phone

2008-09-16T17:31:00.005-05:00

I don't know, its pretty ridiculous, this whole society... thing. First of all, I I signed up for cell phone service and now the phone company has the gall to send me bills. Yeah... like I should be forced to pay for a service of which I signed up for. Its pretty ridiculous. Shame on you Sprint, shame on you!

Secondly, if there are any openings for jobs involving me, a tropical island, and hundreds of naked ladies, I would appreciate getting a heads up. Suprisingly few offers so far. I had assumed a bigger market for this. Oh well, sometimes life throws curveballs etc.

Chuck Norris

2008-09-12T11:23:00.003-05:00

Not very many people know this, but Chuck Norris is actually an Assistant US Attorney. He is fantastic at this job, but the complaint I hear often is he roundhouse kicks the opposing counsel in the face.

It may not seem very Chuck Norris, but he does wear a suit to court. You may rest easy, though, because he quickly disrobes and has his favored oil boy grease him up before trial begins.

Occasionally when he is in court, he gets a little confrontational with the judge saying, "Overrule this" while simultaneously referencing his fist by shaking it.

Walker Texas Ranger

2008-09-11T15:21:00.013-05:00

For those of you that are wondering, this is a scene from Walker Texas Ranger. In this scene Walker is just finishing up with the inter-departmental wrestling tournament. He is about to walk over to shirtless Bobby and congratulate him on his professionally executed grapple maneuver.

Later... Walker will pay his respects to Jimmy the oil boy saying, "Fine job oiling us up for the precint's wresting tournament Jimmy. As we all know, you can't have a manly wrestling tournament without vanilla scented body oils."

The deputy in the background is contemplating purchasing a total gym because both Walker and Bobby look fantastic!

Homeless People

2008-09-10T10:41:00.004-05:00

I used to live in small town. A month ago I moved to the big city. The most interesting thing to me, so far, is the homeless. It seems they all need change for bus passes. Before this I didn't realize the homeless had so many places they needed to be.

Homeless: "Cody, quickly I need change for the bus."

Me: "Why, where are you going?"

Homeless: "A big meeting across town... hurry! Cody I'm sorry I don't have time to explain. Here... this is my card. It doesn't have any number on it because I am homeless but if you need me I live in the dumpster next to McGreggor's."

And yes, the homeless know me by name.

Cat Girlfriend

2008-09-09T10:10:00.003-05:00

I was talking with an individual who said he has a girlfriend. However, he told me it wasn't very stressful because she sleeps most of the time.

So essentially... his girlfriend is a cat. He puts water out for her when he leaves for work, some days, milk. He sees her once a day when she needs affection. He starts to pet her, but she bores quickly and leaves.

This sounds like the awesomest relationship ever.

Hurricane Constantly

2008-09-08T11:48:00.002-05:00

Ok, I'm convinced Hurricane Gustov was a huge rating success and now every news outlet is simply making up new hurricanes to attract viewers.

Me: "Oh look... a cloud."

News: "Hurricane Jimmy."

Me: "Its raining."

News: "Hurricane Kari."

Me: "Sunshine?"

News: "You better believe that's a hurricane."

And now I'm bored.

Republican National Convention II

2008-09-07T14:39:00.004-05:00

After Sarah Palin's speech at the Republican National Convention, one reporter asked another reporter, "So... did the speech go over well?"

What kind of question is this? Could the answer ever be no?

The room is filled with people with ideology almost idential to Palin. In fact, their ideologies are so similar they joined a group based on the similarity of their ideologies. How could she possibly upset them?

Palin could've recited the ingredients off of a pack of cigarettes and everyone in the crowd would have gone crazy.

Lady Mustache

2008-09-06T14:04:00.003-05:00

Why does a lady have a mustache? They are not attractive or interesting. It seems, in the society of the United States, that if you are a lady it is unappealing to have a hairy upper lip.

Despite these facts many a lady in the United States sport a mustache. Most are not as bushy and lush as Burt Reynolds, but still they are quite luxurious.

"Excuse me Ma'am, I can't help but notice your mustache is disgusting."

"Oh... why thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment."

Please, lady, for your sake: purchase a man razor and cleave your hair from your face.

Political Advertisement

2008-09-04T15:07:00.005-05:00

I find political advertisements amusing. Particularly amusing, are the attack ads. However, it is not all fun and games. Occasionally, these attack ads cross the line. Here are a few excerpts from recent McCain advertisements:

"Barack Obama killed a small child's puppy just to show the child the meaning of sadness."

"Barack Obama promised to raise taxes especially high on children's hospitals. Why do you hate children so much Barack Obama?"

"Barack Obama has irritable bowel syndrome. Can we trust a man who doesn't have control over his own bowels, to control an entire nation?"

"Barack Obama told the associated press he hates America, especially the poor."

Shame on you John McCain!

Republican National Convention

2008-09-03T10:34:00.008-05:00

I can feel a change in the winds this year for the Republicans. It is not rhetoric, but fact.

For instance, George W. Bush is an old white guy. John McCain is an even older, even whiter guy. Clearly, this is a significant difference.

I think its time that for once the super old white guys were given a chance. Until now it was simply assumed that if a person cannot drive, they probably shouldn't be president.

Lets put a seventy year old white dude, who sort of resembles Frankenstein, in the white house to prove the naysayers wrong! We promise, he absolutely will not break a hip. Guaranteed.

Hurricane Gustov

2008-09-02T09:29:00.008-05:00

After hurricane Gustov came ashore in the United States, people were commenting, "We were blessed by God that no one was killed".

To me, it seems like an odd comment. Shouldn't people really be saying:

"We all need to thank God for not killing anyone with the hurricane that God sent. He was probably just trying to let the homosexuals know he is aware of their anal sex. He didn't want to kill them, just let them know to cool it with the butt sex. After all, butt sex destroys heaven. It's a scientific fact."

Deadly Weapon(s)

2008-09-01T10:12:00.007-05:00

Countries are always trying to devise better weapons. Spending hundreds of millions of dollars on sophisticated radar, missles and planes. However, there is one deadly weapon no one has thought of... until now.

"What do you have for us Doctor?"

"Its a fruit fly coercion prototype. If this works, we will be able to control hundreds of fruit flies at once. Bend these creatures to our will."

"Sweet Pappy Johnson. Think of the power."

"We are truly playing God gentlemen. Let's just hope we can carry this burden."

"If these ever develop a mind of their own and escape, we will have to pray no one is growing bananas."

Anarchy II

2008-08-31T11:45:00.009-05:00

After years of development, research and planning, anarchists have devised the perfect weapon to bring society to its knees! Urine.

You see, an anarchist group called "Republican Welcoming Committee" was planning a devistating disruption of society at the Republican National Convention. How? With two five gallon buckets of their own urine.

Anarchist:

"Society has withstood wars, famine, disease, natural disasters, ethnic cleansing, drought, and terrorism BUT it can never withstand the power of two five gallon buckets of our own urine!"

"Hazahhh!"

"How does it feel to have urine on you?!"

Republican:

"Gross. I'm going home to take a shower."

Anarchy

2008-08-30T11:12:00.005-05:00

Anarchists are right, a society of complete chaos would be far superior to our current system. I might get a chance to fight some bears, fend off murderers and kill men for my territory.

"Honey I'm off to kill some men for us to roast over our fire pit."

"Ok dear, have fun. Don't forget to take your gutting knife."

"Oh right honey, I almost forgot. Love you. Don't cook and eat our children while I'm gone."

Act of g / God II

2008-08-29T11:05:00.003-05:00

g / God is lazy. It relies on everyone else to do everything.

Believer: "god we know you are super cool and whatnot... and you want us to convert savages. See, the problem though, is it's like four thousand miles away, we have to get a plane ticket, take malaria medication, learn a new language and perhaps be brutally killed in the process."

god: "Ok, what's your point?"

"Well couldn't you just god magic the situation?"

"Well... I don't know... I was drinking heavily last night and I wanted to watch the Real World, maybe do laundry..."

Athlete

2008-08-28T09:23:00.004-05:00

It seems to me that when an athlete wins a sporting event, they almost invariably thank god for their accomplishment.

I guess this means they are cheating. All hopped up on god magic. That simply isn't fair.

What about the poor Islamic person who believes in all of their false gods? They get nothing. Screwed. Oh well.

Act of g / God

2008-08-27T16:59:00.006-05:00

People often wonder, "What causes hurricanes?"

Well Johnny, the answer is quite simple.

You see: god divides the number of homosexuals in an area by the number of heterosexuals in this same area. If the number is too high, god smites the area with terrible weather.

What is the lesson here?

Gay people cause hurricanes. It's a scientific fact.

Gum

2008-08-26T18:57:00.010-05:00

There is a candy company that labels its products "double" mint. This doubling makes less sense in other circumstances:

"Did you hear about John?"

"No, what happened?"

"Well, I'm sorry to say, but John has... double cancer."

"What?! No! Why!"

Thank you.

Homeless

2008-08-25T17:09:00.011-05:00

The homeless missed out today. I had three US dollars in my pocket. If they had mugged me, they could have purchased two bus passes (or 1/3 a bottle of cheap vodka).

It is interesting though, a homeless man said to me: "god is good."

Apparently not, because your home is the gutter. god really screwed that one up.

"Yeah... I was gonna have you be an investment banker, but then I couldn't have taken Friday off. Sorry."
-god.

Proud Father

2008-08-24T16:16:00.005-05:00

Father's tend to be proud of their children's athletic ability. Often telling acquaintances:

"My boy plays fullback on the varsity sporting team."

or

"My daughter had twelve goals last season."

I would imagine, however, that father's of certain athletes are not quite as proud.

"My son's tumbling excercise is... fantastic."

or

"Its a joy to watch his rhythmic gymnastics."

Dying

2008-08-23T17:17:00.005-05:00

Most people, if a gun is pointed in their face, will likely give reasons as to why they shouldn't be killed. Most of these will be very convincing reasons like:

"I have twelve children."

"My job is very important."

"I am extremely attractive."

As you may have guessed, I do not. An example:

"Please don't kill me... I have vacation days. I was probably going to play some Halo during this time. Perhaps look at pornography, I don't know if I'll have time. Don't kill me?"

Thank you.

Olympics

2008-08-22T12:14:00.003-05:00

What a joy I have watching the olympics. To watch these fine athletes compete in sports which I only care about every two years.

I would simply like to say: go rhythmic gymnasts! Yes!

John McCain II

2008-08-21T13:39:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure, like Weekend at Bernies, that John McCain has already died.

"Is that John McCain?"

"Yes, it is."

"Why is he sleeping?"

"Because he is very tired."

"He fell asleep with his sunglasses on?"

Hurricane Lady

2008-08-20T18:40:00.006-05:00

If I was a lady, which I am not, I would be offended by the hurricane lady. As you may have noticed, all hurricanes used to be ladies. Why?

Well I can only assume the individuals who first witnessed hurricanes were like:

"Lets see... this thing has destroyed my life, my house, my posessions and now I want to kill myself."

"Hmmmm, kind of reminds me of something."

"Oh I know! A lady."

"Yeah, it does remind me of a lady!"

And so it was, the hurricane lady.

Love of Country

2008-08-14T23:26:00.002-05:00

Why it is the most disgusting, smelly and greasy humans are also the most patriotic?

Southern man, "I love my country but I hate showering. And brushing my teeth."

I feel quite confident the toothbrush has just made it to the south.... NOW.

Without a Wife

2008-08-13T17:37:00.003-05:00

If I were never married, I would slowly grow insane and begin arguing with myself.

"Cody, I told you to do the dishes. When I get home from work, I expect the dishes to be done!"

"I don't have to listen to you Cody, I'm not your maid!"

SLAP

"I didn't want to have to hit you, Cody. I love you."

Fatherhood

2008-08-12T23:26:00.003-05:00

I would be a terrible father because I am too honest.

"You know Cody, your boy is really smart."

"Thank you. Yes. He gets straight A's, its amazing. He's ugly though. Right? Am I the only one? My boy is really ugly."

Yes, I should never produce offspring.

John McCain

2008-08-11T23:12:00.002-05:00

I think if McCain was in a fight, he would shatter into glass.

In a radio interview he stated that his platform was:

"Whats rap music? Back in my day we listened to Buddy Holly and liked it! People drive faster than they used to. They slaves are free? Well. Good for them!"

My point is, he is old. Very old. Too old to be president.

Thank you.

Antichrist

2008-08-10T13:21:00.004-05:00

Recently, it has been claimed that Barack Obama is the antichrist. If true, it would seem someone exagerated the powers of the antichrist just a tad.

"And the Lord said the antichrist will come and maintain a 4 point margin..."

It is amusuing to me that the antichrist will arrive with a message of peace and love. You know, its those crazy peace types we need to look out for.

"He wants peace in the middle east? He doesn't want to explode humans?"

"Oh my god, the antichrist!"

The End

2008-08-07T19:25:00.005-05:00

This is it ladies and gentlemen. The end of the world. Yes its true, I have recieved word from a powerful source that at some point in the future the earth will no longer support life. It could be soon... or not. Either way, I have a real good feeling about this.

China

2008-08-07T18:04:00.005-05:00

In China, there are forty million more men than women of the same generation.

That means when people say,"Oh you'll find someone, don't worry." It means they should really be saying, "Enjoy masterbating alone for the rest of your life. Here is a 1000 GB hard drive and a DSL connection. Enjoy yourself."

I think that would be pretty depressing coming home for the rest of your life and finding no one. "Well, I'm home. Time to start masterbating."

Groob Bless China.

Universe

2008-08-02T22:53:00.001-05:00

How do you peeps feel the universe came into existence?

Now, I understand the big bang and all of that... but did the big bang come from nothing or has the universe always existed. Or is it something else?

Personally, an infinite universe confuses me. If the universe has existed for infinite, how has an infinite amount of time passed before I arrived?

I suppose everything must have come from nothing, but that too seems logically impossible.

Now keep in mind I am not suggesting some sort of deity because that too seems logically impossible. Every option I have considered seems impossible. Perhaps you are more creative.

What are your thoughts?

Children's Names

2008-07-24T23:16:00.002-05:00

I found out some parents, in New Zealand have been giving their children frighteningly bad names. For example: Number 16 Bus Shelter, Talula does the Hula from Hawaii, Violence, Fish and Chips, and Sex Fruit.

I am not kidding.

Of course, who am I to point fingers? I've always felt Fartjuice McGee would be beautiful name for a girl. And I just can't let go of Teriyaki Beef Jerky Smith for a boy.

"Boy look at little Teriyaki, isn't he cute," Mom says.

"Sure is," Dad says.

"That one has some talent."

"Why is he crying?"

"Oh well. Lets watch football and have sex in front of him."

Poor, poor children.

Atheism

2008-07-22T19:24:00.005-05:00

I had a discussion with an individual who believed that if atheists around the world were threatened, other atheists should join together and "liberate" the threatened atheists.

This is the worst idea I've ever heard. There is enough violence in the world without contributing more.

In addition, this sort of logic draws strong parallels with the crusades. We do not need more crusading.

Anyway the plan itself is horribly impractical and no rational human being would agree to this idea. I know I won't. I'm sorry subjugated atheists, but you are on your own.

Faith

2008-07-22T19:08:00.003-05:00

I have heard it takes the same amount of faith to believe in god as to disbelieve in god.

I ask you, does it take the same amount of faith to believe in Santa Claus as to not believe in Santa Claus? Of course not. It takes far more faith to believe in Santa Claus. Why? Because there is no proof.

Religious individuals do not believe in alien abduction but yet they still believe in god. Please explain to me why alien abduction is less believable than god.

I have heard that atheism is simply another religion like Christianity (or Islam, Judaism etc). Why is this the case? Do atheists believe in a supernatural diety? Do they find it necessary to perform rituals in groups so as to appease some force of nature? The answer is no. A religion is typically defined as a belief in a god and/ or ritualistic worship. Clearly atheism contains neither of these activities.

Patriotism

2008-07-12T13:39:00.010-05:00

America is blessed by god. This is a proven fact. America and the almighty are so intrinsically linked that if you question the former you are automatically satanistic.

For instance: Barack Obama does not wear a flag pin. Conclusion: he drinks the blood of children and worships the devil.

Just to be sure I'm pleasing god, I've sewn myself flag underwear, pants, shirt, hat, tie and wear it everyday of the week. Stylish and soul saving.

leeologium be praised.

Lets Convert the Unsaved

2008-07-10T23:17:00.008-05:00

As I was sitting here conversing with the almight, he professed on excellent idea.

Convert the unsaved!

Naturally the almighty has left the action stages in my hands, henceforth, I have discovered a fool proof method to bring the wayward ashore!

What is my method? Stand within a crowd, slightly higher than the level of a crowd, then start preaching! How could this not work? Could there possibly be any better way of converting lost souls? The answer is no.

Instantly when this crowd hears my words they will recognize me for the sane and rational human that I am. I certainly will not appear crazy, least of all, dangerous.

Everyone will thank me when they realize the truth.

leeologium be praised!

Sainthood.

2008-07-10T15:53:00.009-05:00

Ok. I know some of you want to be saints. Who wouldn't? With benefits including: hundreds of super attractive pleasures on a daily basis and super cool clothing.

However, without green backs, god's power fails and he may no longer dole out fruitbaskets of the divine.

Because our savior is aware of this, he has made it possible to purchase sainthood. It is simply a lifetime's worth of easy payments correlating to 50% of your lifetime income*!

Please stop by our Church in Poopton, Connecticut and see the benefits for yourself!

*Income minimums apply.

god Logic

2008-07-10T01:50:00.010-05:00

Our god, leeologium has decreed god Logics that we should follow or suffer eternally (hint: in connect four area).

god Logic 1

Donate 10% of your income to the Church of Leeology

god Logic 2

Worship only leeologium

god Logic 3

Do not test leeologium's powers

Whew! Now those are some ideas to live by! I feel better already. Perhaps more to come?

Donating

2008-07-10T00:27:00.007-05:00

Why is donating so important?

It is a known fact that god leeologium's power arises by the donations of his followers. Every single green back that enters the divine walls of the Church of Leeology boosts leeologium's powers so he may grant your life with attractive wonders! When we arrive in attractive members of the opposite sex land we don't want be surrounded by unattractive scenery, right?

Simply stated: the more you donate is directly related to the attractive type pleasures one will experience in their lifetime. This is a proven fact.

So please, if you feel your level of beautifulity is relinquishing from your existence. Donate to the Church of Leeology by visiting our home in Poopton, Connecticut. It's next to the building.

Science

2008-07-09T20:11:00.007-05:00

Science.

Sure it was fun when we were children. However, now that we are adults it is important to believe in what is real.

Can you prove the existence of evolution? Is it possible to determine how a space shuttle operates? How about the talking picture box? The answer is unequivacly no. When one really looks for evidence, they simply can't rely on what they can see, measure, weigh, feel, describe, and correlate with other facts. The true evidence comes from ones heart!

How do I know god is real? Because he speaks to me everyday saying such things as: "Cody, ask for more money. Tell the people I am real. Cody your super sexy and interesting. The long haired ones are ruining society."

Real good truthful stuff like that. Twenty-four seven. Yeah, I have plenty I'm not sharing. At least not until you start donating.

To donate to the Church of Leeology please visit us in Poopton, Connecticut. Its next to the building.

False Gods

2008-07-09T02:34:00.005-05:00

I sit here saddened by the reality of false gods. Gods so false as to not require donations before they will save your soul. Gods so false as to not have locations such as attractive members of the opposite sex land. Why do the unsaved so easily fall into this trap?

Well I have the answer!

Toys.

Not just random toys: evil toys like He-man and Skeletor! Specifically the action figures for He-man and Skeletor. Why just looking at their rippling muscles, rigid jaw lines, long staffs and brute force strength makes it nearly impossible to resist the urge to worship these plastic creations from a factory as literal scripture.

What man or woman could resist? The man or woman saved by the Church of Leeology! For Leeologium said, "Bright ones tall, bright ones all, but in the end bright ones fall." Clearly, without any uncertainty, this is in reference to He-man and skeletor.

Of course saving ones soul does not come without long hours of peaceful prayer, meditation and donations to the Church of Leeology. Leeologium will be pleased.

End of the World

2008-07-08T23:44:00.010-05:00

As you know, the Church is looking fondly towards the end of the world. We only hope the destruction and violence comes soon, so we may experience peace.

I would just like to warn everyone to be on the look out for the "peaceful" types. We must be aware these are the most dangerous humans. Specifically individuals calling for peace between religions.

These are the most fundamentally connect four humans on the planet. In fact, if you come across any of these humans it is your divine duty to slap, spit at, pull hair of, and cause unpleasentness to. We must not kill them, for some day they too may become donating members to the Church.

Pray that attractive members of the opposite sex land ends the world soon.

Blessings be upon you.

Immortality

2008-07-08T22:53:00.009-05:00

Do you have a fear of death? Are you a ghost? Has your celebrity status faded into dust? All three of these problems can be solved.

"Cody," you ask,"how can these problems be solved?"

"Simple," I say,"By believing in the Church of Leeology (and donating accordingly)."

Yes it is an attractive member of the opposite sex land proven notion. If you don't believe me, take a look at the testimonials!

Bob Braskin says, "Now that I donate heavily to the Church of Leeology I feel good!"

Sue Hesimorph stated, "The Church of Leeology made me realize how important donations are! (and to feel good)"

To donate to the Church of Leeology, visit us at Poopton, Connecticut. It's next to the building.

*warning: testimonials may be complete fabrications

Good News

2008-07-08T22:40:00.005-05:00

A windfall will take place at the location of my pocket soon. It seems a sickly individual from Kuwait needs my help. They have millions in assets, all they need is a plane ticket out of Kuwait to the United States and they will deliver the millions to my pocket.

Finally! The divine, attractive god of Leeology has blessed me (and that sickly human from Kuwait) with cash! I always knew god wanted me to have cash.

Well anyway, I'm off to the post office to drop off a check (out of the goodness of my heart) so that I may recieve boatloads of cash to my pocket. Praise be attractive god!

Thank you.

My Soul

2008-07-08T22:21:00.012-05:00

My soul is saved. Is yours? Well if you are not a donating member of the Church of Leeology then yours is not. Yes, its true, the Church of Leeology is the correct religion. Any other human of any other religion is arriving, upon death, at connect four area. Trust me, you do not want to arrive in connect four area. In this area you are forced to play connect four until infinity.

However, if you become a member of the Church of Leeology and donate accordingly you will be saved and arrive at attractive members of the opposite sex land. In this land you will find attractive members of the opposite sex who find you attractive and interesting. Attention world of warcraft subscribers: attractive members of the opposite sex who find you interesting. Even when you are discussing the merits of dark elf versus rogue.

Please donate to the Church of Leeology, we are located in Poopton, Connecticut next to the building.

Thank you.

Monkey Morality

2008-07-08T22:14:00.005-05:00

Where does one obtain morals? The answer is simple: from god. Where else could morals possibly be obtained? The answer: no other place. Perhaps darwinists look for guidance from monkeys. Perhaps that is why I am always recieving poop flings from darwinists. There are no answers in this crazy mixed up world, except from god.

Please god, I need one million dollars.

Thank you.

Cody

Donations may be dropped off at the Church of Leeology located at Poopton, Connecticut. We are next to the building (hint: it's a good investment).

Right to Bear Arms

2008-07-08T21:02:00.004-05:00

"Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that be misconstrued?"

To Eat and Sleep

2008-07-08T21:00:00.000-05:00

If you could would you:

1) Choose to never have to eat again

2) Choose to never have to sleep again

I hope eventually a pill will be introduced which I can consume, never be hungry and be completely healthy in every possible physiological manner.

If they cannot do this I think they should start packaging human food like dog food. Dogs get to buy a giant bag of something they eat from for months. I want the same thing for humans.

Me at the grocery store:

"Hello sir, do you need help finding anything?"

"Yes, can you point me to your jumbo sized bags of human food?"

"Sir, I don't think that product exists."

"Doesn't exist?"

"That's correct sir, no bags of 'human food' for sale."

"Well that's surprising."

It's marketing gold I tell you! A huge area unexplored by the food industry! Those fools!

Thank God for Fred Phelps

2008-07-08T20:52:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I ask myself, in such a topsy-turvey world, who can one turn to for moral guidance? The answer is the greatest saint known to mankind: Fred Phelps.

It comes as no surprise to me that the highest moral intellect in the country comes from a retired attorney. Well... perhaps retired isn't the right word. Let's see here. What would be a better word to describe the situation he is in? Give me a second... hold on... hold on... ok I have it. The word I was looking for is disbarred.

I think I need to begin by explaining the sainthood that is Fred Phelps. Some of his more philosophical quotations really enrapture the mind for hours, forcing one to re-imagine the universe they thought they lived in.

For instance he often says, "God hates fags." Even expanding on the topic with such wit as, "God hates fag enablers." I think my personal favorite is, "Thank God for Aids."Perhaps a whole passage would be more appropriate to capture the mind that is Fred Phelps.

"The Laramie Project is a tawdry bit of banal fag melodrama – sordid, cheap, unaffecting, drearily predictable – without the least artistic or literary merit or redeeming social value. Indeed, its only purpose is to promote sinful, soul-damning sodomy by playing on the sick, maudlin emotions of doomed, godless America and thereby to recruit ill-bred teenagers to lives of sin, shame, disease, death and hell"

Speaking of Jewish people:

"Homosexuals and Jews dominated Nazi Germany... just as they now dominate this doomed U.S.A... The Jews now wander the earth despised, smitten with moral and spiritual blindness by a divine judicial stroke... And God has smitten Jews with a certain unique madness, whereby they are an astonishment of heart, a proverb, and a byword (the butt of jokes and ridicule) among all peoples whither the Lord has driven and scattered them... Jews, thus perverted, out of all proportion to their numbers energize the militant sodomite agenda... The American Jews are the real Nazis (misusers and abusers of governmental power) who hate God and the rule of law."

With a mind as paramount as his it is no wonder how this individual achieved 30% of the vote for the democratic primary in Kansas for senator in 1992. Just as it is no suprise he accumulated 15% of the kansan vote for governor in 1998.

The only thing that makes me sad is that in a "democracy" a genius the likes of Fred Phelps isn't elected. At least we can thank god there are a few rational kansans!

Very Open People

2008-07-08T19:58:00.005-05:00

Recently I overheard a conversation between two people meeting of the first time.

"Hello."

"Hi, did you just move in?"

"Yes."

"I am divorced. My wife asked me to leave."

"Huh."

Perhaps I am just an uptight crazy, but usually I reserve my sadness for later. Perhaps this is why the divorce occured. Every person he meets the second line is always something like, "I have terrible sores all over my body." or "I have contracted STD's three times." or "I suffer from explosive diarrhea."

These are bad openers.

"Hey there ladies, I am clinically insane. Who wants the first spin?"

Evolution is a Lie

2008-07-08T19:02:00.007-05:00

Everytime I go outside I am assaulted by naked, poop throwing, pro-satan evolutionists. Frustrating to say the least. They have but one battle cry, the cry of EVIDENCE!

They say there is no evidence, but they choose not to look. For instance: have you ever seen a monkey design, construct, pilot, and land a space craft on Mars? No? Didn't think so. Case closed.

Adult Diapers

2008-07-08T18:32:00.010-05:00

Adult Diapers. Perhaps the greatest invention of the twentieth century. Wait... the Roman's invented them? Well son of a bitch, they beat us to everything.

Let's face it: walking to the bathroom is a huge pain in the ass. What can we do about it? Poop in our bed? That is one option. However, a better option is to purchase adult diapers. They were meant to be pooped in. Scientifically tested to determine their absorbancy of human waste.

Now I ask you this: why then aren't we strapping on a diaper and utilizing their full potential? Science has, after all, helped us with everything else: dishes, carpets, clothing, dialing, drinking, eating and finally pooping.

But Cody, won't I smell like faeces all day?

False! I hear this myth countless times and it is nothing more than that, a myth.

But Cody, isn't it medically unsafe to have human waste on skin for hours at a time?

False! Medical science has proven time and again that human waste rejuvenates. After all, it works for plants, right?

So you see, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by strapping on an adult diaper. Just one more step: relax. Ah, the time you'll save.

The Ultimate Contest

2008-07-08T18:22:00.004-05:00

Both are invincible, supernatural, attractive, lady killers and extremely white. It is the ultimate contest between good and.... er..... good. I guess.